


The Dog Star

by erinacea



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-07-10
Updated: 2005-07-10
Packaged: 2020-08-11 11:26:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20152825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erinacea/pseuds/erinacea
Summary: Plagued by yet another nightmare about his godfather's death, Harry flees the castle and watches the stars, hoping it will help him clear his muddled mind. Yet he'd never have thought that a star could help him heal. Sirius. The Dog Star.





	The Dog Star

**Author's Note:**

> If you feel like you've read this story before, you might have come across it on FictionAlley.org, where I initially posted it under the pen name "Hedgehog" in 2005. This fic was originally beta-read by the wonderful Dreamewaever and Nynaeve, two other authors active on FA.org.
> 
> I've made some small changes for this version, mostly formatting, some word changes, and some tweaks to the dream, but I've realized I probably won't have time for a full rework, so I've decided to post it in its current state. Uploaded in August 2019.
> 
> The line drumming through Harry's mind at the beginning is a direct quote from Order of the Phoenix, "There's nothing you can do, Harry ... nothing ... he's gone."

Bellatrix and Sirius are shooting curses at each other. A jet of purple light misses Sirius' right ear by inches. He fires a red beam back at her. Sirius ducks another one of her spells, taunting her.

“Watch out!” Harry tries to shout, to warn him, “Sirius!” But he seems to have lost his voice.

_ there's nothing you can do, Harry  
_

Suddenly a red bolt hits Sirius straight in the chest.

** _FLASH!_ **

His laughing face changes to a shocked expression.

** _FLASH!_ **

He's falling in slow motion.

_ nothing you can do, Harry ... nothing  
_

Harry ignores the whispers drumming through his head. He desperately tries to reach his godfather, to catch him maybe, to pull him back. But his legs refuse to listen. “SIRIUS!”

_ there's nothing you can do, Harry_

_ nothing you can do_

_ nothing_

Sirius' head sinks through the veil - very slowly - then his shoulders - slowly - upper body - ever so slowly - his legs. The veil is rippling for a moment, then stays still. Sirius... is gone.

_ nothing you can do ... nothing_

_“_NO! SIRIUS!”

_ there's nothing you can do, Harry_

_ nothing_

Bellatrix howls in triumph.

** _FLASH!_ **

Again and again Sirius disappears behind the veil...

_ nothing ... he's gone_

~ * ~ * ~

Harry woke with a small cry and sat up in bed, trembling and panting. When he fumbled for his glasses, they almost slipped through his sweaty fingers. Harry pushed his hair out of his eyes and breathed in deeply.

Waiting for his heart rate to return to normal, he peered around the dark and quiet room. Harry felt uncomfortably relieved that his dorm mates had long since gotten too accustomed to his nightmares to wake any more. Still breathing heavily, he forced himself to listen to the sounds of the night. Neville and Ron were snoring softly, while Dean was turning in his sleep. Neville's latest plant acquisition was making odd gurgling noises, and from time to time Trevor's low croak could be heard from under Seamus' bed. There was the muffled sound of Ron's squabbling chess pieces that were buried in his trunk. From outside, the hooting of owls could be heard, beastly noises coming from the Forbidden Forest, as well as the rustle of the trees and the wind. Also, there were those mysterious creaks, faint pattering sounds in the walls, and far-away swishing noises that were entirely Hogwarts' own.

When he felt he had calmed down a bit, Harry snuggled back into his blanket and tried to go back to sleep, but to no avail. Instead, he was lying awake, staring into the darkness and struggled with the scenes of his most recent dream that were replaying themselves over and over again in his mind. All he had to do was close his eyes and he'd see Sirius falling again. Harry grimaced, rubbing his face as if that would help clear the memories. _Shoo! _He quirked a weak smile at that thought, but already the images were sneaking back into his mind.

Harry made a brief attempt at clearing his mind as Professor Dumbledore had taught him, but his still feeble Occlumency skills did not manage to rein in the much too powerful emotions that were swirling through his head and heart. Finally, he gave up all hope of sleeping and climbed out of bed, suppressing a wince when his bare feet met the floor. Out of habit, he reached for his ready-positioned wand and cast a light warming charm. After fumbling with his socks in the dark, he moved to the nearest window, where he leant onto the window sill and stared out onto the grounds. In the silvery moonlight he could make out a thestral darting out of the trees to catch some unwary bird.

_Thestrals._ He shuddered at their significance. By now they weren't a simple reminder of death any more. No, as if that hadn't been enough, to him now they also were a symbol of disappointment, false hope and a reminder of his very own failure.

He sighed deeply. He would _not_ think of _that_ now. Desperately, he cast around for something different to think about, and his mind dragged up the memory of how he had seen the 'Grim' out in the grounds in third year. Furiously, he shook his head to clear his mind; yet that memory had triggered a sudden desire to go outside. Feeling very much in need of a distraction, he dressed swiftly and silently, then tiptoed out of the dormitory.

A short time later, he draped his cloak tightly around him as he quietly crept out of the castle. It was cold outside, but the night was clear and the stars were blinking peacefully down at the grounds. The lake was glistening in the moonlight and, drawn by the glimmering lights, Harry made for that direction.

~ * ~ * ~

He cast another warming charm at the freezing ground and sat near the edge of the lake, which lay completely still. Harry vaguely wondered where the giant squid would sleep, and whether it slept at all, but mostly he was enjoying the quiet and peacefulness. Apparently leaving the castle had been a good idea because already he was feeling considerably calmer.

He stared at the lake that mirrored the stars. When the lake's surface quivered in a light breeze, Harry raised his eyes to the sky. For once, he was able to completely blank his mind, as Dumbledore had instructed, and only watch the twinkle of the stars.

One particularly bright star caught his attention. Intrigued, Harry mentally went through five years’ worth of Astronomy lessons to identify it, until he finally found the information he was looking for. _Sirius._ The Dog Star. The brightest star of the night sky. Of course!

It was strange; they had learned that in one of his very first Astronomy lessons, yet he had never made that particular connection. A light smile played around the corners of his mouth, as he imagined his godfather's reaction. Sirius would tease him mercilessly. _He_ had, after all, grown up learning all the constellations by heart. The smile faded when reality came rushing back with the vehemence of a hurtling Hippogriff.

_ Sirius staring at him in astonished delight when Harry came to his rescue on a flying Hippogriff._

Suddenly Harry found himself shaking again. It was so much colder all of a sudden, and his heart felt as if it had been plunged in icy water. 

_ Snuffles bouncing after the Hogwarts Express._

He tried to swallow, yet his throat felt much too tight. Desperate, Harry gasped for air, breathing deeply, all the while blinking furiously. 

_ Sirius singing Christmas carols at Grimmauld Place._

The moon and the stars were blurring. _No._ Determined, Harry sniffled and concentrated on breathing steadily. For a moment it worked, then...

_ A red bolt hitting Sirius in the chest. _

_ Sirius _ _falling in slow motion._

_ The ripple of the veil after it swallowed Sirius._

Harry blinked more fiercely, and stuffed the ball of his thumb into his mouth to stop himself from making a sound.

_ Padfoot dragging the werewolf away._

_ Sirius defending Harry against Snape._

_ Sirius giving advice from the Gryffindor fireplace._

A choked whimper escaped his throat. He felt his lips quivering, and he violently squeezed his eyes shut to keep the tears from falling.

_ Sirius flying to freedom with Buckbeak._

Harry tried to get up, to leave, to flee this whirl of memories... but found he lacked the strength to move. His nose was running, and the first treacherous tear was rolling along one of his nostrils. It tasted salty and of old memories.

_ Sirius inviting Harry to live with him._

His limbs and lungs were aching and his throat felt raw. Again, Harry squeezed his eyes shut, but already a second drop was quivering at the tip of his nose, with a third one following close behind. 

_ Sirius falling into the archway..._

In a matter of seconds, Harry finally broke down completely. The tears were streaming freely down his face. He was shaking uncontrollably, and he buried his head in his hands.

Harry gasped for breath, trying to smother the pain. In fourth year he had been subjected to the Cruciatus curse, and _that_ had been the embodiment of pain, worse even than this. So how could _this_ possibly still hurt so much?

Harry felt like he was choking. Breathing was all but impossible. A lump of congealed tears was blocking his windpipe. He felt as if his heart was being squeezed like a lemon, not to yield juice but his lifeblood. The world had been reduced to himself and the darkness around him. After a last desperate attempt to ward off this attack on his self-control, he let go of his life-line and allowed himself to be carried away. More memories were swarming upon him, and he was keening into the night.

~ * ~ * ~

Harry had no idea how long he'd been crying. His heart felt leaden, as did the rest of his body. And yet somehow, at the same time, he also felt strangely empty and light, almost as if he'd been relieved from a horrible burden. When he had shed all the tears he possessed for the moment, he wiped his eyes and his face, sniffled, and heaved a last sigh. By now his eyes were stinging and he had to blink several times to stop that horrible dry feeling. He felt incredibly tired and drained, yet it was too cold and the wind was too piercing to fall asleep then and there.

He could have stood up then, splashed his face, and walked back to the castle, but he did not really want to. Instead, he looked at the Dog Star again, which was unperturbedly gazing back at him.

_Thanks_, he mouthed at the star and smiled. It was a tiny and rather sad smile, but it was the first time he had smiled in full acknowledgement of Sirius' death.

~ * ~ * ~

He was still staring skywards when a voice interrupted his thoughts.

“Hi, Harry. Can't sleep?”

_Ginny_. Harry glanced up and sent a weak smile at her. It felt as if he had forgotten how to do so, and the slight motion tugged at his facial muscles in an unpleasant way.

“Hey,” he croaked. He was sure that his voice sounded more than a little rusty after all that crying.

Ginny shot him a strange glance, but did not say anything. Also, if she noticed his flushed face or the tearstains in the dim light, she did not show it. Feeling rather self-conscious, Harry looked up at the stars again.

“Mind if I join you?”

Without waiting for his answer, she plopped down next to him. Harry had a vague feeling that maybe he should feel annoyed at this intrusion into his personal space, but he somehow lacked the strength to care either way.

Following his movement, Ginny directed her gaze to the sky. “Wow,” she sighed. “This is such a clear night. I feel like I could see right into eternity.”

Right then, Harry could completely follow that sentiment. He indeed felt as if time itself had become meaningless. For a long time, neither of them spoke, and to his surprise Harry found he did not mind at all. Contrary to the strained silences that had followed many conversations over the last months, this one actually felt companionable.

Ginny finally broke the silence. “So... what have you been doing out here?”

When Harry glanced at her, she was biting her lip, as though she already regretted the question, but Harry had exhausted his energy and was not about to explode.

“I -” Harry swallowed and took a deep breath. “I was watching the Dog Star...” There was way too much emotion in that short sentence.

Ginny glanced at him. “Maybe he's been watching you, you know,” she suggested, as if she had been reading his mind.

“I know,” Harry agreed softly, and for some reason he felt weirdly at ease despite his sorrow.

They did not speak again after that, until the stars faded into the morning light and with a last twinkle the Dog Star disappeared, as if it meant to say, “I will still be here tomorrow.”

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to leave comments, but keep in mind that I wrote this story in 2005, over 10 years ago. I'd like to think my writing has improved since then. :)


End file.
